How Am I?

I think the past few months have been the biggest struggle of my life. My pregnancy with Cooper was so incredibly rough at the end. But thank God we are both healthy. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that we are done having kids. I wasn't ready to make that decision yet and I don't think Mike was either but with all of the complications (preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome), it is best for me and my family that we don't get pregnant again. It's too risky. Mike and I are seriously considering adoption if we decide we want to have another sweet baby. For now, we are enjoying Callie and Cooper and are so thankful God gave us these two miracles. I am also so thankful for my family and friends during this difficult struggle with mom's cancer. I remember in our lifegroup one sunday, we were praying for mom when she had her basel cell carcinoma (small skin cancer that was removed and harmless). I remember saying if anything happened to her, I'd be so angry at God. I've had so many emotions lately that when people ask me how I am doing, I've answered so many ways... I am angry, sad, hopeful, heartbroken, etc. For a period of time, I didn't even really want to talk or see fam or friends because I knew they would ask about mom. Of course they would. But I didn't want to talk about it. If I was content at the moment, a question or comment about mom would just spark an emotion and make me feel again. It would make me angry or sad. It's been such a struggle to understand why my sweet mom is having to go through this. Gastric Cancer and chemo have hindered her from doing the things she loves to do. I am finally feeling some peace about it. I know it's not for me to understand so I need to stop questioning God. He is taking care of my mom. I was telling mom the other day that with all of this uncertainty, that is certain. He loves us and feels our pain and joy and is with us everyday. I am finding comfort in prayer. That is the only thing that has calmed my fears. I know He can heal and I am resting in that. Just wanted to share a song that describes how I am doing lately. So, if you are wondering how I am doing lately, here it is... After these really tough few months "I am learning to breathe again... I am feeling awake and alive... I know that You alone can break my fall... I am living again..."